Thursday, January 23, 2014

Boy Conversation Number 3,456,792 and The Biebs



Not long ago, Oliver lectured me on how I need to stop lecturing. This morning, as I navigated the city on my hollow steed, my trusty sidekick beside me, he began to tell me that one of his best friends recently acquired some more electronic gadgets. His best friend is an only child and is one of those kids that has the latest in literally everything you can imagine, a source of great conflict for Oliver. My boy is at once incredibly materialistic with dreams of being a billionaire and preternaturally sensitive to what really matters. I told him so. Sadly, I didn't heed the no-lecture warning and launched into one of my best -- a treatise on conflict and envy and filling up one's soul with things and emptiness and that's when Justin Bieber stepped in. You know, I said (or droned, to Oliver), having too many things and too much money is really confusing for a lot of people. Like Justin Bieber, for instance. Since I had my hands on my steed and my eyes on the road, I didn't notice whether Oliver was rolling his eyes or even awake. I heard last night that The Biebs was arrested for drag racing his Lamborghini, and he was drunk! Just the word Lamborghini perked Oliver out of his dolor, and I realized I had his attention, so the lecture continued. That kid just got too much money and fame too fast, and just look at him now. He's too young and he can't handle it. Oliver, who is as conflicted about The Biebs (outwardly revolted by him as liking him would align him with teeny bopper girls, inwardly admiring, I imagine) as he is about his friends' possessions, said with disgust, Mom, Justin Bieber is a gangster, now. Like, he's a bad person. I said, Well, he's so young and just can't handle everything. Oliver said, Mom! He's not young! He's like twenty-four! You don't know anything!

I wish I could say that I dug in my heels, urged my steed forward and continued my lecture, but I felt haggard and old and needed to stop to rest.

10 comments:

37paddington said...

I think we have the same son.

kario said...

The Biebs really is falling apart, isn't he? My oldest daughter cringes every time we bring up his latest debacle because she really wants to like him (he's dating Selena Gomez, after all, who is her favorite singer right now) but even she can't roll her eyes fast enough to convince me that he isn't acting like an incredibly spoiled rich kid. My morning lecture, however, took on the phenomenon of kids getting high from a drink made of soda, Jolly Rancher candy, and codeine-laced cough syrup. Apparently it's all the rage (there are songs about it, even, but I wouldn't know given that I don't listen to the radio except for NPR) and kids are dying because it gives you this crazy high and it's hard to know when you've had too much until it's too late and your friend is seizing on the floor. So we talked about never, ever letting someone mix you a drink, or hold your cup for you or even fill it up - even going so far as to take it to the bathroom with you when you go so nobody can spike it. The youngest nodded her head in agreement, the oldest took offense that I would ever think she might be so stupid. God help me.

Birdie said...

24!!! Too funny!

Ms. Moon said...

They listen. Even when we don't think they do.

colleen said...

It's good to rest ( plus remember you didn't get any this weekend)

rainshadowfarm said...

I love this. Now that most of mine are grown it's weird to have them lecture me with my own words...and the younger ones make fun of me for lecture-mode still.

Alicia D said...

I. Am. Laughing my ass off right now. This was one of your funniest posts ever!

Noan said...

I work with first graders now and darned if those kids don't listen to and believe everything I say. After so many years living with teenagers I feel like I have developed some kind of super power. Feeling haggard and old? Go hang out with some 6 year olds. Talk to them about punctuation and the movie, Frozen. They will think you are a goddess.

Karen Gerstenberger said...

I love this post for many reasons, not the least of which is the illustration. Thank you for writing it!

Kim Andersen said...

I think I know about as much as you about the biebs - and riding in the car is the best place to show off all that knowledge - captive audience and all that

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